Catogery 1

Catogery 1
BEAUTY

category 2

category 2
MENTAL HEALTH

category 3

category 3
FASHION

A NEW STRUGGLE

*potential trigger warning; eating disorder, body image*


The last time i was in a bad place with my weight was years ago back when my entire mental health was at rock bottom. I went days without eating and didn’t realise - i went through a phase of taking laxatives, making myself sick, loving the feeling of knowing i was so hungry it hurt. I was so skinny, but at the time i didn’t see it, i didn’t think i was skinny enough. When i see old photographs now, i can’t believe how much weight i’ve really put on, my dress size has almost doubled and it makes me feel sick.

It seems the happier i’ve got (my mental health getting better,) the more weight i’ve put on. Recently even my own family have told me to cut down, join weight watchers and pointed out the calories in everything i eat - and it’s really hurtful actually. But i just can’t help myself, i just live for eating, i love eating, the happier i am, the more i eat. 

But now i’ve reached a point where i’m at war with myself everyday, and it’s making me so miserable. I want to eat, but i don’t. When i do eat its nice, but when i’m finished i feel disgusting and ashamed. I hate what i see in the mirror, i don’t want my fiance to see me naked. But at the same time i cant stop myself from eating. Over the past few weeks, i’ve bought weight loss pills, hunger blockers, i’ve made myself sick, i’ve had breakdowns about how my thighs touch. 

I’ve got to the point where i’ve made the conclusion that i cannot be happy/mentally well and be skinny again. I’ve got to sacrifice my recovery to go back to how i felt good, or stay on this path of just hating what i see in the mirror. Neither option is favourable really is it? It seems i’m my own worst enemy. I’m not eating disorder diagnosed, and to be honest I don’t think I would be. I’m not sure what i’m going to do.

I really hate 14 year old me for thinking I wasn't skinny enough, because I was so damn skinny - I felt sexy and confident. Now 20 year old me, doubled in size can't even have a good sex life because I'm so ashamed of my own body. 

No comments

Thank you for taking the time to comment.

Edited by Courtney for for Blush and Blend. Powered by Blogger.