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I've had infinite hours of therapy and counselling over the years, and sadly for me none of it really worked at all, the things that got me on the road to recovery were a lot of medication and myself. I've been through a hell of a lot for my age, and not once have I ever fully confided in someone or let someone really help, I've always bottled everything up and left it down to me to sort ME out - and it's made me an incredibly strong person, and I've learnt a lot.

One of the first steps I took in recovery that really took me anywhere uphill was asking myself WHY. In my darkest days I was constantly hating myself and beating my self up and worrying and over thinking about 'why i was such an idiot,' 'why am i so weird,' 'why do i do this,' 'why do I feel like this?' but the thought just passed through my brain and I never really took any action. And if there's one thing I learnt in therapy, it's that problems don't fix themselves, you HAVE to WANT to do something about it.

It was about the point I'd been on my anti-depressants for a few months, so I was feeling a lot happier, but still had really bad times followed by the 'why' stage. about 40 % of the time I
was still low, but the other 60% I felt more 'normal,' and happy, and in this time I really wanted to be completely better and actually do something to fix that other 40. So I did. From then on, when I was at a low point, I'd ask myself 'why' before I said or did anything.

You have to really dig deep and really over analyse things for this to work, you have to scram your brain and memory and thought process for pieces of the puzzle, in order to put the puzzle together = figuring out why. This is totally a technique I taught myself, and it's something I have practiced for over a year now and I think I've almost mastered it at this point.
When I first started doing this I had to write things down, I had to rack my brain of anything going on, that had been said to me, things that happened recently, my feelings, my thoughts and write everything down and almost make a dot-to-dot. I joined up the things that I thought were 'connected,' with a line, almost like a maze, and at the end of the maze is the deep subconscious reasoning behind your behaviour.

It's so much easier to control your behaviours when you know and understand the reason behind WHY they are the way they are. You'll also find it much easier to explain the way you're feeling to others.

I kid you not, since I got into this routine of this 'find the why in everything you do' process, touch wood I've not had another hospital visit for trying to take my life. I'm also over a year self harm clean and in general my erratic and self destructive and dangerous behaviour has seriously decreased. And I suffer with a personality disorder, so this is pretty much a miracle to me. Life with a serious mental health problem is so much easier to manage now I've developed a daily technique to understand my own brain. If I hadn't of found a way to manage my emotions and understand what's going on, I might not of even been here today.
I hope one day you find yours, too.


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