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'High' school, (that's secondary school here,) was the worst five years of my life, and I say life because I really don't think I could ever go through anything again from now on that could make me feel so low and make me so unwell. I speak a lot about my mental health issues on my blog, and secondary school was definitely where they really began. I was bullied a little in primary school by one particular girl, so my confidence and self esteem was already pretty low anyway.
Before bullying began in primary school I was extremely out going, had a huge group of friends, I wasn't shy, I was sure of myself, I had a lot of confidence, it was amazing, I would do anything to have it all again.
Of course, being so young I didn't know what anxiety or depression or what mental health even was in primary school when I began to feel different, I remember becoming very withdrawn and shy, and this definitley started my phobia of people.

I went to secondary school and I'd lost that girl that bullied me in primary the years before, so I felt a lot safer and comfortable, I had my best friend of 5 years sat next to me and with me all day on my first day of secondary school. Her name was Katie, and she was my only light through all of this- she was so happy and positive to be around, she gave off such good vibes and I loved her madly. Still, I was still young here so I never spoke to Katie about how I was feeling, instead she saw that I'd self harmed for the first time.

I tried very hard in my first year of secondary school to get my old self back, I tried to be out going and confident but there was now hundreds of people in this school that would see me and have to accept me.
I started going through that scene/emo phase nearly everyone went through in my second year of school, and I think this was the first thing I was picked on for. I remember walking down the corridors everyday and being glared at, some people shouted things like, 'slit your wrists,' etc, one girl two years above me used to walk past me and shove me into walls and kick me. I was just trying to be who I wanted to be (at that point in my life,) but people at school taught me that I wasn't allowed to do that without being ridiculed, it was either be like everyone else, or be a total outcast that everyone was against.

Most of the girls in my year at this point were going through that stage of having fake designer bags and wearing false nails, and there I was, with my Lazy Oaf bag pack and my Dr Martens, I loved both of those things at the time, but everyone taught me that I couldn't love those things because it was wrong, I should of been doing what they were doing.
People used to humiliate me, I was so scared and intimidated by everyone, I never knew what anyone would do or say to me when I walked past them in a corridor, I knew everyone was different to me and the way I felt inside was extremely confusing, this was the loneliest time of my life. Nobody knew how I felt, nobody even really knew what was going on- I've only just started talking about this now, at 18.

I started self harming because I felt so horrible about myself, I didn't want to be on this planet because I was so alone in who I was and how I felt, everyone around me was happy and had friends and I was the outcast that didn't speak. I was never 100% about anyone, even if someone said they didn't hate me, I didn't believe it, I really kept myself to myself.
My first suicide attempt was surprisingly in year 10, when I realized that I wasn't 'okay' and the way I felt wasn't normal, and by this point I was more educated on mental health. I started seeing a counselor in year 9, but it didn't help, I had psychiatrists and CBT and now I'm on 3 different medications but nothing can reverse the years and years of psychological damage.

I was taught for so long that I am wrong. The person I am is wrong, is bad, is unworthy, I was taught that I should want to kill myself, that I didn't have friends, that nobody liked me. For the past six years I'd been damaged by the words and actions of other teenagers, and when I think about that today it makes me so angry.
What they did then, still affects me today. Thanks to them, I now have a phobia of people, going outside, I suffer with anxiety, depression and BDD. My life is still not normal, and I fear it never will be, because there's some deep damage that's been done, and I can't erase all them years from my mind.
I've totally lost myself, and it annoys me deeply that I now see those people on social media living a normal, happy, care free, mental health problem free life, with no idea what they've done.

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