I always put the '' marks around the word recovery when regarding mental health because I don't think that's the right word, I don't think it should be called recovery because the word recovery indicates that you get better like when you recover from a hangover, or a cold. But you don't, you don't just suffer for a while and then get better and go back to normal. You don't ever fully recover. And that is the harsh truth, and part of 'recovery,' is accepting that you whatever you're suffering with will not ever die. 
And that's what stopped me from making progress for so long. I kept making all these changes and things kept getting better but no matter how hard I tried or how long I waited, what medication I took and what therapy I had, I never felt better, I never felt recovered and my illness was still very present in my mind. I kept telling my therapists and psychologists that my sessions weren't 'working,' - and at the time I was 100% sure of that, but when I look back now, I know that I felt that way because I had not fully accepted that I would never be cured, there isn't a cure and therapy isn't a miracle. And that's what I was expecting.

I was so scared of recovering or getting better in any shape or form, for the longest time I was determined I would be 'ill' this badly forever and that without my illness I wouldn't be anyone, I was stuck on the idea that I was my illness, and that without it I wouldn't be anyone or anything- because for years I was consumed by it, so much that there was nothing else to my personality. This illness had totally consumed who I was and who I could of been.

I was so fucking wrong. There is totally a life beyond your illness, and it is so much fucking better. It's worth the fight.
If you're feeling low right now, and you've got no hope and you can't see the future being any brighter- this is me as living proof that even the darkest of times will lighten up. So bright you almost can't believe it.

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