SHOP MY WARDROBE

The Reality Of Being In A Relationship With Mental Health Problems



If you've read any of my other posts on mental health and my experience, you might know I suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder and Social Anxiety, I've dealt with these problems for almost five years, and in that time I've had and lost a lot of relationships due to me behaving in ways people don't understand, it pushes them away and, well, nobody wants to have to deal with it.
I've lost a lot of people that really meant a lot to me because of mental health, so now the thought of letting anyone get close to me or even having feelings for anyone absolutely terrifies me, because I I know for a fact that my crappy health will take over and ruin it, all my happiness will be drawn out and I'll be put back to square one.
A big part of BPD is struggling to maintain good relationships with people, it consists of phases of being extremely clingy, needy and not wanting to let that person go, as well as phases of wanting to distance yourself away from them because you think you don't deserve them, you're scared they're going to hurt you or you're scared your problems will effect them.

My first real long term relationship ended the day after my first ever overdose, the day after I was discharged from hospital my boyfriend text me telling me he couldn't handle it anymore. I remember feeling so empty and alone and full of so much self hatred, because I knew it was me that pushed him away, it was my head and my thoughts and this thing that I just cannot control, and I hate it.
I don't want to be taken to hospital, I don't want to try to kill myself, I don't want to cry in front of you, I don't want you to see me relapse, but I genuinely cannot help myself sometimes because I think when such a thing has taken over your mind for so long, it becomes a huge part of you.
I think my illness has become so much of me over the past 5 years or so, that when I look in a mirror, I don't see a person, I don't see Courtney, I can just see illness. All the bad things I think, feel, all the bad things I've said and done, all the bad things people have done to me, all the nights I've spent in hospital, or police cells, or waiting for blood to dry up so I can fall asleep.
I think and understand completely that if you haven't been through this yourself, it's incredibly hard to understand even the smallest part of how the person you're with is feeling and thinking.
It's really not fair, it's uncontrollable, and BPD ruins 80% of the good things in my life, or completely takes them away- and sometimes just thinking about this makes me burst into tears and want to go back to hospital, I don't want to live a life being controlled by these impulsive thoughts. I want a normal, stable relationship, but it's just not possible.

When my boyfriend asks if I'm okay, it's always yes, even if i'm lying in bed this close to relapsing. Because I know it's pointless telling him I'm not, he can't change my brain chemistry, he can't stop my urges or stupid thoughts, all he can do is feel bad with me, and I already hate myself enough without knowing I keep pulling somebody I love into all of my problems.

Another symptom of BPD is extreme paranoia, which definitley effects my relationships negatively on huge scale...to the point that walking around in public makes me feel absolutely horrid.
I'm so paranoid that I'm not enough, that I don't deserve them, that they aren't happy with me, that every (in this case) female I walk past feels like a huge threat- I almost want to blindfold him and make him blind to anyone with a vagina, I look at every girl that walks past and compare myself to them and imagine him with them and how much better they might be. Just such a little, petty thing like this can upset me for days, it can leave me feeling low and angry and even suicidal for days, and he/they will not understand what they've done- but they haven't done ANYTHING, it's just MY stupid head.
Another silly little thing, like if he/they don't hold my hand in public I feel awful, I feel like they're embarrassed to be with me and they don't want anyone to know we're together, and I'm over there thinking, 'please just come here I need you please hold my hand.' Mix this with a racing heart and the other symptoms of social anxiety, and it's just hell.
I'm out say, just shopping with him/ and one minute, I'll be so overjoyed and feel so lucky and blessed and just full of love and happiness, the next minute I could literally be ready to burst into tears because some thought has popped into my head within seconds- and I will let it consume me and eat me up until it's killing me.

Another thing with BPD is anger and confusion, again, this effects things hugely.
I find it so difficult to see the difference between something he/they have done wrong to upset me, to something that my OWN head has created and it's expanded until I'm left feeling helpless.
I'll take it out on them, I'll tell them they're rubbish and they make me want to die, but then an hour later, I'll be like, 'Oh, shit, no, that wasn't them, they didn't do anything wrong, it was my head it was me and they don't understand.' But it's always too late once you've realized, and the damage is done.

And although I'm on anti-depressants, 'low mood' and phases of depression still come around, and I know it's hard for him/them to understand why you're feeling so low, they'll think it's their fault, and it makes the whole thing ten times worse- so sadly, I've just learnt to keep everything bottled up.
Trying to constantly make myself look my best and compete with everyone, trying to make myself good enough desperately, yes, every girl does this, but when your depression is draining the life out of you, and you don't want to get out of bed, never mind do your make-up, this is such a difficult task, that sometimes just seems impossible.

Over all, I think with BPD, there isn't 1 day that goes by where I don't think about killing myself, there isn't 1 day I don't think about hurting myself or doing something reckless and impulsive. I hate the pressure to be 'happy' in a relationship, because in reality, I do not think I will ever be truly happy, because as long as I'm alive, I've got this illness- there's no magical cure, and I've learnt to cope with it to a certain extent, but there's only so much you can do.
Mental illness isn't fair, I don't want to have relationships like this, I just don't want to live like this, and I know people always ask why I don't want to be here, but if you couldn't just feel and think and behave normally, would you?
I'm trying so hard to push myself to be okay for them, but it's exhausting and sometimes I just can't do it, and I'm absolutely terrified of what's going to happen. Over all, I just don't want to hurt him/them, if anyone is going to get hurt, make it me, I'd rather it put me back in hospital than know I've upset anyone, I am an absolute monster. This is what mental illness is, and every scar on my arm tells another story just like this blog post, and I know that I'll only accumulate more.

6 comments:

  1. The tears are absolutely pouring Courtney. I never realised quite how bad you had it, and I'm sorry for not seeing that. 'I don't see Courtney, I see an illness' is exactly how I described my anxiety consuming me to my own doctor this morning. It's so easy for me to tell you 'just get some help!' but I know I may as well tell you to ride a unicorn. I can absolutely promise that you have my help whenever you need it though. You're not dragging me down with you, we're lifting each other up.

    You deserve so much joy and happiness. Keep fighting.

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    1. This meant the world, I'm so glad I have people in my life that can relate- you're such a star Lydia xxx

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  2. It doesn't matter how fucked up you think you are, you deserve lots of love and someone that understands and your illness shouldn't get in the way of that. Sending big snugs your way.
    Jess @ JuicyyyJesss*

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  3. You are good enough Courtney, 100% good enough. People will love you for being you, you're perfect. I really hope one day you wake up and at no point in the day do you think you're not good enough. I suffer with anxiety, and I know what its like to not want to tell people how you really feel. I feel like people will get sick of me, and I feel like I'm boring them with my problems. I totally get you. Its frustrating I know, but you can do it, you're strong and people will stick around and support you, I promise. It might not be the best right now, but everything is temporary and I believe you're good enough and I'm sure your boyfriend, family, everyone who reads your blog thinks so too. I hope you're okay, and I'm always here for a chat x

    Lucy | www.foreverseptemberr.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thank you so much Lucy you're a star, your support is appreciated so much right now xx

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