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Living With Anxiety


I've done a couple of posts regarding mental health, but today I would like to solely focus on the issue of anxiety. Anxiety is something I've suffered with for over 4 years and I can easily say it's took a huge toll on my life and pretty much ruined a lot of it. I think for anyone that's never had a mental health problem, anxiety will be hard to understand and a lot of it may seem ridiculous or petty, but when you suffer, you really suffer and it really can have a huge impact on your life.

Anxiety is living with a thousand worries, all day everyday, almost about absolutely nothing. All of these worries become huge fears that you just cannot face confronting because your mind is so set on something really bad happening. Therefore, you stop doing things. It's a course of a lot of over thinking a situation before it happens, focusing on all the negatives and the things that could happen, it's a series of 'what if's.' What if I fall over? What if someone speaks to me? 
If I am going for a Starbucks, I can't just be happy and excited like someone without anxiety could be, I'm just scared. What if I mess my order up? What if I drop the money? What if I spill my drink? I will imagine every little thing possible that could go wrong, and if I think too much I'll probably end up not going, or having a panic attack. The simplest tasks because so hard and so much of a big deal.

The last time I experienced a panic attack was at college, which was the main reason I was dismissed from my course. I had quite a few in a short amount of time, it was incredibly exhausting, embarrassing and it really really got me down.
The first time, my teacher told the class we had to stand up in pairs and show the rest of the class a poster and speak out, and as she got closer and closer to me and my partner, I couldn't breathe, I was stopping myself from crying, my entire body was shaking, my chest felt like it was closing up, I was sweating and I HAD to get out, so, very embarrassingly, I stood up in the middle of somebody speaking and got out as quickly as I could. Everyone must of been super confused. I got out into the corridor and cried my eyes out, I couldn't walk because my legs were like jelly, my nose started to bleed because I was so distressed.

As much as I wanted to face my fear and stand up in that class, I couldn't, it was so infuriating because I had NO control over it. Anxiety is the work of the brain, fight or flight. 
Fight or flight is what our body does when it thinks you're in danger, it's a natural way of humans protecting themselves, but when you have anxiety, let's say your brain thinks that almost every little thing is a hazard, when in actual fact it's really not.
The only safe place when you have anxiety is alone, in bed, doing nothing. There's nobody home, you can fall asleep and when you're asleep you are finally at peace, sleep is so amazing when you suffer because it's the only time you get to escape from your worries. Which is why anxiety often leads to depression and also links closely with it.

Because I had so much bad experience at school and college with panic attacks I now have a huge fear of classrooms, school buildings etc. If you asked me to walk into a classroom, I would cry my eyes out and run away. I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to walk into a classroom environment again because after one bad experience, my brain now thinks that it's a danger, so it'll kick into fight or flight, build up and then I'll burst and panic.
It really does ruin everything, the enjoyable things like going shopping? Not enjoyable. I dread it. Yes, I love buying things and that makes me happy, but the general idea of walking around a shopping centre, being looked at, having to speak to people, have people see what I'm doing, that makes me so so uncomfortable to the point I want to disappear.

Nothing is fun, everything is scary. Everything is blown out of proportion and you have no control over it. It stops me from doing SO many things. People are terrifying, shops are terrifying, a bus is terrifying, walking down a busy street? Almost seems impossible. 


I'm not just "shy", or "quiet," I don't speak. I am generally terrified to open my mouth in front of new people, I sweat and fill my head with "what if they secretly hate me," "what if they ignore me", so I find it impossible to make new friends or sometimes even say things to the very few I have.
Being a teenager, house party? Sounds fun to your average teenager right? To me, a nightmare. All of the people, all of the talking they could be doing about you, all the ways you could embarrass yourself, how is there any fun in that? No thanks, I'll stay at home in bed in order to avoid as many thoughts as possible. 

Anxiety has left me very lonely, I have never ever had a proper friend group, nor many friends. I'm too terrified that the world is against me and everyone hates me. 


A social life isn't 'fun' when you're riddled with worries, going out isn't fun, it's full of dangers.

The worst part is that there is no cure, yes medication can aid and lessen some of the shaking, but nothing can fix your brain and knowing I might be like this for the rest of my life makes me want to not live it.

Last of all, I want to share a video from WhatLydDid, her video inspired me to write up this post and I also thought that what she said is incredibly true, she explains the reality well and says it out loud better than I ever could. She is incredibly brave and amazing for what she does on YouTube and I think anyone that doesn't understand Anxiety would collect a pretty good understanding from listening to Lydia for 6 minutes. It's also a great watch if you feel alone in what you're experiencing, it sure helped me out.



8 comments:

  1. Hi Courtney,

    Thanks so much for doing this post. I myself have recently been diagnosed with Anxiety in the last 6 months. I have suffered Panic attacks which are awful I'm trying to deal with the Anxiety and the Panic attacks as best as I can but I'm finding it so hard it really gets to me at times and that's when the depression gets in which makes me feel worse. The post that you wrote and the video on your post I could relate to it so much .
    Thank you so much
    Andrea
    https://beautywithandrea36.wordpress.com

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    1. I really hope you're okay! I'm glad I could help you a little it's my pleasure :-)

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  2. I think it is a great idea that you speak your mind of in this post, I haven't suffered of anxiety ever in my life but I learned a lot with your posts. Thank you.
    x,Abril

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    1. That's so good to hear, it's important that everyone understands a mental illness just like they do a physical illness :-)x

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  3. Its nice to hear from another blogger suffering with anxiety. Over the past 6 months or so my anxiety has got particularly bad to the point where I find it hard to leave my own house too. It really does make you feel the lowest of the low, I completely understand. I hope that you're okay, and I think its very brave and good of you to write it all down in this post. Much love x

    Lucy | www.missdaisylu.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you so much :-) I wish you luck with battling your problem x

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    2. Thankyou, and I wish you luck too x

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  4. This post perfectly describes me! I was diagnosed with anxiety after my brother died years ago, it has got a lot better as I've grown up but it's still very bad. I was prescribed some propranolol tablets by my doctor but I keep them stashed away hoping that they'll last for all of my speaking exams (I'm a French & English student so there's always speaking exams *cries*) because I'm too scared to ask for more haha! But I do really recommend them for when your anxiety gets super bad. This post explained anxiety really well, hope you're okay! :) xx

    www.pinkieprim.co.uk

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